5 Ways to Prepare For: The Dawning of a new Age!

Oh happy day.  The future has come and I feel a bright and shinny tomorrow.  The Federal Government is here to serve us.  What a relief.  For a minute there I was scared they would make me have to be responsible for myself, provide for myself and fend for myself.  Thanks to the new found Hope our Federal Government is thriving, not only thriving, but growing.  I see my income is decreasing, and I am unable to spend as much, I must make budget cuts, but thankfully through all this.  With the 21st Century here I decided to give you five helpful tips  on how to continue with American Life in this young century.

1.  Put your brain in a blender.

Why waste hours turning your brain into mush with MTV, Reality TV, and Cable news when you can just cut to the chase and turn your brain to mush all on  your own.  CNN & Fox have defined your political opinions and have weeded out what you don’t need to see, so why bother having a brain anymore?

What are you going to do?  Turn off  your TV and your computer?  You wouldn’t want to take the time to live a life.

2. Just Direct Deposit Your Paycheck Each Week Directly to the IRS.

You know the Fed will spend your money better than you.  How dare you be selfish enough to feel you can own your personal property?  The Fed will take care of all your needs.  They know how to take care of the poor, that’s how they eliminated poverty and the lower class didn’t you know?  Relax, sit back it’s okay everything will be alright we have Capitol Hill, they will keep you safe.

3. Build More Applebees.

We all know that the sprawling suburbs are the only thing that will truly rid us of any chance of ever having to enter the city or face the reality of poverty, so keep building your Applebees restaurants and expecting someone else to take care of what is wrong in society.  After all, the problem can’t be you.  You don’t bring your money to the struggling business or neighborhood, you don’t even go there.  You stay at home in your exclusionary suburbs shelling more out to the massively rich chains.  You don’t have to worry about stuff like poverty, you are the benefactor of White Flight and Levittown Suburbia.  We all know that Uncle Sam took care of those people so why go near them? Why move to a city you can afford when your home is about to get foreclosed on?  Why?  You are an American.  Your birthright is an SUV, a balsa wood house in the suburbs, with the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog.  After all, your gluttony, credit and excess isn’t a part of the problem, just  everyone except you.

4. Keep Voting R&D.

Keep Voting Republican and Democrat.  That got us in a good situation.  That was the right thing.  We saw how well they took care of us.  Why actually think we could vote for anything else?  It has to be that way.  We don’t have a voice.  There are two lines of thought.  Everything else is irrelevant.  We know that if we just change the percentage slightly of Republicans and Democrats in power, we will see change.  Change will come from people who profit from politics.  That is how it works.  Forget anything else.  Just stare at your CNN & FOX and keep things safe.  We don’t want to risk it.  Keep the plutocracy in power.

5. Vaseline.

That’s right.  In order for the Fed to truly help you, then you will need tons of vaseline.  It’s easy to use.  Just take two fingers, scoop out the biggest glob you can, and gently apply to your anus.  rub it around in a circular motion.  Make sure you get it deep.  They will make everything alright and all you have to do it bend over and take it.

Don’t worry if it tears a little.  They will provide the health care to sew you up.  They will provide the condom to use on you also.  So…

Relax, just do it, let them have their way, let them save you.

Thank you Uncle Sam, Thank you so much.  I’m glad you kept us all so safe.