New Hampshire Set To Privatize All Roads

JuliaRiberPitt Featured, Satire 2 Comments

CONCORD, NH  – The state of New Hampshire has laid out new plans to privatize the state’s the entire road system amidst last year’s massive cuts to the state budget.

Last month, the State House passed the Roads Privatization Act by an overwhelming majority. Proponents of the bill have advocated road privatization as a means of cutting taxes, which, they claim, will provide boosts to the local economy.


“These acts make perfect sense economically speaking,” said State Rep. Bob L. Freeman of Manchester, the main author of the bill.


“Every dollar that’s taxed would be better spent somewhere else. Forcing people to pay for roads through taxation is just like breaking a window to jumpstart the economy. The government makes me pay for a road even though I never asked for a road, and we get a public road, okay, that’s what’s seen. But I might really have wanted to spend that money on a fifth car or a new summer house or tuition to send my daughter to Choate and now I can’t. That’s what’s not seen.”


Freeman added, “I say, let the market handle this situation.”


The new act will enable private persons and companies to homestead individual roads once the government relinquishes ownership. From there, each road will be owned and maintained by the individual or company in question.


Amanda Liberty of Keene campaigned for the bill for years before rejoicing at the news of its passing. She said road privatization will have a positive effect on the region’s communities.


“I think roads in our state have become a tragedy of the commons,” said Liberty. “I mean, does it make sense to keep making us pay for road maintenance when they’re just going to break down anyway since so many people drive on them? It’s going to be much better when we have toll booths on every road in the state. Traffic will go way, way down, so we will never have to deal with any more traffic jams on I-93 during our daily commute. Free market roads might even lessen global warming. And if you’re a bad driver and I don’t want you driving on my road, I can hire police to kick you off. It’s a win-win all around.”


Penelope Ferguson, a 71-year old lifetime resident of Amherst, said she was delighted at the new bill.


“Have you ever driven  through downtown Nashua lately? There are way too many poor people and brown people who think they’re entitled to roads,” she said. “I’m sick of being stuck in traffic behind 10-year old Hyundais driven by Brazilians fresh-off-the-boat every time I try to drive into town to go to my favorite restaurants. All those cheap ugly cars are an eyesore and it will do the state a lot of good to get them off the roads once we privatize them.”


“Roads are not a right. If you’re too poor to pay upfront, you shouldn’t be using them. Get the poor off the roads.”


Proponents of the privatization insist that NH citizens who are concerned about the implications of road homesteading need not worry. Private ownership of roads will be far more efficient, they claim.


“What we know from all of history is that government can’t be trusted with anything,” said Freeman. “There is a huge economic calculation problem that socialists who advocate for government-owned roads don’t see. It can be proven that absentee landlords and private businesses will do a much better job handling roads than any set of bureaucrats. And let’s not forget that taxation is violent. Everything the government does is basically an act of war. Private companies and landlords are 100% peaceful. No one forces you to pay them like the government.”


Freeman added that moves are already in the works to extend privatization to the state’s rivers and lakes. He expects privatization to be a magnet for businesses who would want to own such pieces of land and set up in a low-tax state.


“Who knows? Maybe in ten years, we’ll start seeing some ocean privatization off New Hampshire’s coast,” he said.


The auctioning off of roads is set to begin at an undisclosed time next spring.


JuliaRiberPittNew Hampshire Set To Privatize All Roads

Comments 2

  1. Pingback: But who will build the roads!!!???

Leave a Reply