His holiness the shitty guru Horny Krishna
I am the chosen one…
Greetings children of the universe!
Let me tell you how it all began. It all started with me having a wet dream, in which I spent 10 years in Tibet meditating with my face between Roseanne Barr’s inner thighs looking for enlightenment in a rather dark place. The morning came I woke and got up, and I notice that I was feeling much more alive, with a sharp mind and a serene calm, all under a radiant aura of peace and tranquility.
Thinking about my dream from the night before, I decided to make breakfast. And that’s when I notice something very unusual. On one piece of toast an image of Jesus Christ wearing a Ramones T-shirt and texting on an iphone, but I just assume it was because of too much herb indulgence the night before, after all I am an atheist and don’t believe in that kind of crap. But on the other piece of toast there was a message I could not ignore, it was so powerful and too real to not take notice; ‘From this day forth, you are the saviour of the human race! His holiness the shitty guru Horny Krishna’ “Om Shitty Om”. I just knew there and then all events were connected and made sense. I am the chosen one…
Finally my godless giving talent of a natural born bullshitter had a calling and a meaningful purpose in life, and I just knew from that day on I had to use it to help make the world a better place. Guided by a driven will and determination, I knew I was on the right path towards spiritual enlightenment. As long as I stay on track in helping others, my quest to reach tantric muffdiving nirvana (like in my dream), is attainable.
At the zen moment I am my own guru. Somewhere between Chögyam Trungpa and ‘My name is Earl’, after all I have a colorful and dubious past. Yes I have been around the block a few times. Been there, done it, ate it, drunk it, smelled it, vomited it, stole it, used it, borrowed it, met it, loved it, hated it, missed it, ignored it, abused it, regretted it, adored it, fucked it, licked it, rimmed it, slurped it, smoke it, inhaled it, exhaled it, sniffed it, rubbed on my penis and sold the T-shirt to buy some more.
Yes dear friends before my new found wisdom, it was all about sex, drugs, (debauchery, nihilism, rants, punk rock, anger, fat granny porn, drunkenness, petty theft, art terrorism, beer pong, beer bong, Thai ping pong, coke on ass crack, lotion masturbation, vodka jellies) & rock’n’roll. So yes I do know the dark side and am equipped with enough insight on how a sick mind works in order to help cure the ills of the world.
So desolated, desperate lost souls and future followers, I am here for you with caring hand and to show you the way to complete bliss, let me be your master and I will provide you with daily devotional facebook messages, hourly motivational tweets, yoga techniques, meditation tips, chackra balancing, tarot readings, fortune cookie telling, knock knock who’s there, crystal healing, etc. I will do house visits (if you pay for a first class ticket and a 5***** hotel stay), or you can come to me (bring weed), email me your thoughts and problems (I’m a sucker for a bit of gossip, and you never know, I might use one of your letters on an future article on my column, and hopefully start to get paid for this shit), just know I am here for you, as this is my mission, to use my talents to serve you.
Just don’t expect any of my help to do you any good, after all I am just a mere mortal with ordinary consciousness, trying to graduate from con artist to con artist showman extraordinaire. I promise that I will do my best to bullshit you with a straight face, but you start laughing, don’t complain if I join in. If you like my column, please do tell your friends, and please remember I don’t ask for anything or encourage gifts, but I don’t discourage or send them back either.
Until we meet again I wish you peace, love and green lights on your travels…
‘If you must lie and cheat, please make it believable, otherwise if you get caught, you look like a dick…’
‘Be impeccable in your word. Say whatever it takes to get what you want. Politicians do it, why not you…’
‘Karma is like a mother in law who had a sex change and ended up with a dick bigger than yours…’
‘If you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel… Change the light bulb’
‘A journey of a thousand naps starts with one hell of a good sleep’