Who the hell is Joe the Plunger?
I am one year shy of half a century of existence, and I have been blessed/cursed with sharing my birthday with two famous people. One a badge of honor (Ozzy Osbourne), the other a sperm stain in a pair of old boxer shorts of a fat, smelly bastard who hasn’t been laid in 28 years (Joe the Plumber). So as you can see the odds of me ever archive anything of grandeur in this life are 50/50 either way.
I can be a bit of a salad of contradictions, but at the same time I am as biased as fuck, and I make no apologies for it, I do take sides, I consider myself a left wing anarchist, always on the side of the underdog, who hates the system, the status quo, and I fucking hate the rich, whatever all that means i don’t know but sounds good to me.
I am an extreme foreigner and proud owner of a transsexual passport with the following information: Nacionality-Portuguese, Place of birth-Brazil, authority Great Britain, (I have been living in Florida for the past 3 and half years). Don’t get me wrong, its all legit (well almost), and I am happy to provide a birth certificate, but unless you speak Portuguese wont do you no good, specially if you happen to have shit for brains like Donald Trump, (in case you were wondering what kind of fertilizer keeps that thing he calls ‘hair’ alive).
And if you think that my geographic transgender is weird, let me re-assure you, that is only the tip of the iceberg, as nothing about me is normal or conventional. I wish I could say I was a regular guy, but even if Jamie Lee Curtis were to pour ACTIVIA on my crack and have breakfast, wouldn’t make a slightest bit of difference.
In case you haven’t notice, English is my second language and I am bilingual, but with a twist, which means I am fluent in 2 languages at crap level, so therefore I warn you, all mistakes are to be taken as ‘artistic expression’, otherwise fuck you, go and read something else.
I notice here in America, there is this big issue about the use of the ‘R’ word, (amongst a few others), but I have a theory that, as long as you are using it on a first person its OK, because I come to the conclusion I am ‘borderline retard’. This is no word of a lie, I am crap at everything, and if that wasn’t bad enough, I happen to be the most prehistoric living being in modern times.
I am a school dropout with a 6th grade level of education, and a self certified disabled, you see I don’t have a drivers license (what the fuck am I doing in the United States?). To most people a car is a form of transportation, to me its a wheelchair with a chauffeur. To most people there are short term disability or long term disability, in my world there are short distance disability or long distance disability, (where can I find a health insurance that can cover this kind of shit, I wonder). I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict who looks like somewhere between a gay Hare Krishna and Moby on crystal meth.
Moving to the USA became part of my recovery, after one too many binges I decided to get married with an obese woman with no front teeth I met online, (stick around it gets better), and for the entire duration of the marriage I have been cheating on my wife with my right hand, (I told you it gets better), as I am hardly in the position of playing the field on foot. She works in Walmart, and I am a house husband. If you keep the movie ”The tourist’ in mind, she is not exactly Angelina Jolie, and the closest I get to Johnny Depp is by having the bone structure and chisel features of Captain Jack Sparrow’s ass taking a shit.
My whole present situation, wasn’t exactly my best laid plan, but was necessary to save my life, and even thought we don’t have a relationship per ce, she was responsible for saving my life, and for that I am eternally grateful, and if nothing else we have a civilized existence. But apart from an up to date passport and a marriage certificate, I don’t exist. I don’t have a bank account, N.I. number, cellphone (not even a crap one), medicare, Obamacare, fuckyoucare, Netflix account, Dollar General discount card, library card, right to vote, and no I don’t get no government hand outs or any kind of welfare or foodstamps. So for as long as I assume that the first amendment still includes me I am using it to express how I see the world from the gutter level, bottom line is, my mess I deal with it, its no ones fault but my own for my lot, I make no apologies for it, and please don’t pity me I am not worth it. I too have some teeth missing that I have to pull them out myself with my own fingers. So now you know what I mean when I say in a world separated between 1%, 99% and 47%, I am the jack shit %.
Thanks to my wife’s internet connection and computer, I do have: An email address (hurrah), facebook page (double fucking hurrah), twitter account (talk about spoiled bastard here) and that’s all I need to have a column here in this fine site. If no one lives a live as colorful as mine, its obvious no one looks at the world the way I do. This is a place for all my pet peeves, psychotic hatreds, banal and vulgar rants about anything and everybody, but in a funny way, because my background is stand up comedy, presently trying to do sit down comedy, there’s already lots of great people writing serious stuff, my aim is comical, without swaying away from my true convictions and beliefs, if you want to know what those are you have to wait for the Joe the Plunger Manifesto coming up next, just be prepared as I am ready to plunger some serious shit out. I also have air in my lungs, love in my heart, 37 cents and a dick the greets me every morning with a bonner (then I take a leak and goes away, but that another story). Last but not the least the 2 things that gives me strength in keeping on going in this life; my sense of humor and my 2 beloved dogs Sasha and Ozzy, a Chihuahua and a Maltese I found abandoned that bring me so much joy. The kicker is, they are both register, fixed, all shots in order, in other words all the paperwork that I don’t have.
And if all this is not enough to amuse you, finally on a more positive note, if I wasn’t weird enough, then there is my sexuality, I happen to be an heterosexual who had to come out of the closet. From a very young age I realize that I was attracted to women abundantly soft and much older than me. Add to the impressionable age a catholic upbringing and matters really get complicated. You see folks, my priest was a real cool man, who wasn’t into altar boys, but older women too, and he was servicing quite a few that were looking for salvation from the holy cock, so that made him my silent mentor, until he got found out and had to be transferred to avoid scandal, from then on I was left to my own devices. Somehow I just knew that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ suited me just fine, and there was no way in hell I was telling anyone that behind close doors I was masturbating to the cover of Supertramp’s ‘Breakfast in America’. From then on it was Libby who show me the way to the American dream, fuck the big car, the big house, or the tax exile on the Cayman islands, the pursuit of happiness became 60 something waitresses with big tits.
Nowadays I am out and proud, and very comfortable with my own laws of desire, after all I am Portuguese and a recovering alcoholic, therefore I like women like I like Port wine, vintage and full body, and to me Kathy Bates is the sexiest woman alive and I find her stunningly beautiful, to put this in a way you might understand better, Kathy Bates is the Angelina Jolie of my sexuality, and the older she gets the hotter she becomes, so much so, that I wonder if I was the only guy watching ‘Harry’s Law’ with a synchronized erection on my nipples. I still can’t believe the show was cancelled, what a tragedy, fond memories I have watching the show, specially the second to last episode in which Harry tells one of her associates the she is ‘sizzling hot’, and me rooting for her, ‘I know Baby, I know… Sit on my face and call me Titanic’.
One last thing I would like to point out about my sexuality, and its the fact that the boundaries are very well defined, so to one side you have the age of consent, (my age of consent) which means bellow 50 its paedophile territory and I don’t go there, on the other side after Betty White its the ‘Platonic necrophilia’* scene, and I don’t indulge there either, too kinky for me, now what lies in between is nirvana, but instead of ‘smell like teen spirit’, its more like ‘smells like jurassic pussy’. And the beauty of it, as I get older it gets easier, I don’t have skeleton’s in my closet… I have a necrophiliac sex shop.
The inspiration for this column came to me via the 2 of the biggest imbecile’s living in America today, Ted Nugent and Joe the Plumber, I mean these 2 morons are even more primitive than me, if they can do it, so can I. As I said before and make no apologies for it, I absolutely hate rich people and right wing politics, and with the election fever going on what can I say. Not that I like Democrats either but I can’t help to have a soft spot for Mister President Obama on the fact that he made history. The first ever black… Portuguese dog in the white house, he’s responsible for it, and that makes him my homie by association, so I fell compelled to give him a helping hand, as I see he is struggling a bit, and he really needs someone with a view point from the ghetto (in my case the gutter). All I ask in return is for the President to tell me where he got his generic birth certificate, so I can get one for myself in order to become a candidate for presidency in 2016. Fuck the politics, we all know they don’t do shit, all I want is a free ride to the Olympics in Rio… Are you kidding me??? Brazilian wax vintage pussy? sign me up, I’m in. I can’t wait to dance in the streets of Copacabana singing ‘The granny from Ipanema’
JOE THE PLUNGER FOR PRESIDENT 2016 YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE
I’M JOE THE PLUNGER AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
* Platonic necrophilia – For those of you not familiar with the scene, its the people who use ancestry.com as a dating site.