Om Shotty Om... In the pond... check it...

Chilling out & the art of doing jack shit for long periods of time!

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Om Shitty Om… In the pond… check it… Me chilling… You working… Sucker

Namst…urbation sad fuckers!!!!

Horny Krishna here, and this week we are going to be talking about the wonderful art of doing fuck all. Like all the old sages before me used to say; ‘Why do something, when you can just sit there and do nothing’. Nothing like after a hard day doing nothing if you happen to be unemployed, to just sit there and be on the moment… Lighten a fatty, play some nice dub Reggae reading something light and blissful like ‘The anarchist cookbook’.

First of all you must have the right environment set up, to make the most out of the whole experience, for that you must make sure you have at least one room in the house, that is empty to the bare minimal, so you don’t have to clean up. Put all the shit in the other rooms, and fuck it, leave it untidy… There’s always tomorrow, to find someone to clean up the house  for you.

In the clean, empty room all you need is: A good music system (if you can’t afford one, get one of your junkie friends to steal one and then you can buy for the price of a couple of speedballs). Some good chill out music (don’t bother buying any from your junkie friend, as you can illegally download out of the internet, easy as ABC, do a google and you are sweet), like Durruti Column, Augustus Pablo, The Orb, early Kate Bush, you know good stuff as there’s plenty to choose from (now if you are thinking in chilling out while listening to Kenny G, stop reading this and go away right now you pussy, you are not worthy of my insights, so please go away and kill yourself). An old couch (take a drive around with a truck even in hard times you’ll find plenty of those lying about, no need to go and get ripped off buying a new one), the couch you find don’t worry too much about the condition because if falls apart or gets one to many joint burns on it, you can easily replace it. Of course you can’t forget your yoga mat to lay on top of it, so you look cool, no other reason really. An astray occasionally cleaned (get the junkie fuck to do it, otherwise tell him he’ll have no place to crash). A reading lamp ( no doubt you’ll find it in the same place as the old couch on the street). A couple of books (get the junkie friend to steal a printer too, books are easy to download online free of charge if you smart enough). And finally, some killer weed to make the chill out experience more enjoyable (at this point I better remind you that before you go and do a chill out session it helps if you stock up your fridge with something to eat, otherwise when you done chilling you will not be in a cool frame of mind). Now you all set for a chill out session Shitty guru style baby… Enjoy!

SHITTY YOGA

ASANA OF THE WEEK

The ‘trying to suck my own dick’ pose…

Now this is a very advance pose as it takes years to perfect, unless of course you are related to John Holmes, then you’ll master this in a couple of minutes, or better still if you are a woman, all you have to do is grab the dick nearest to you. Otherwise guys with a bonsai cock and an out of shape spine, you are in for some serious sweating until you get it right, if you ever do, but you know what they say… Practice makes perfect, so if you want to be able to suck yourself off before you die, you better start now.

  • Place your yoga mat in a flat surface, in a place where you wont be disturbed (Like your chill out room).
  • Switch on your computer and watch some porn of your choice and that rocks your boat., for about 10 minutes or until you rise to the occasion.
  • Now lay on your back quick otherwise you’ll lose memento.
  • Pull your legs above your had as far as you can, and see how far can you go (don’t get demoralized, but it will be a good couple of years until you’ll be able to see it, let alone suck it, and if you are a fat fucker, than you might as well forget it and go straight to the hand shuffle as you wont stand a chance in hell in sucking yourself off).

Well my children that’s all for me today, have a blessed week

Yours truly

His Holiness the shitty guru Horny Krishna

Om Shitty Om

Author: Luis Pessoa
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I am a failed chef and failed stand up comedian, and I wish I could say I was a successful alcoholic because my drinking used to be epic, but since I quit drinking I am a failed alkie too, so there you have it. Presently sit down comedian and master of mayhem here at Gonzo Times. The man behind Joe the Plunger and now His holiness the shitty guru Horny Krishna. Eventually I will update this but for now will do... Cherrs and... Om Shitty Om
Luis PessoaChilling out & the art of doing jack shit for long periods of time!