I love love love love LOVE Halloween. I love costumes and corny Halloween themed foods (which are usually just the same dishes you’d normally eat/serve, but with some terrible pun or hokey decoration) and decorations and scary movies and candy. It’s the only time of year that I’m overwhelmed by the cuteness of both puppies in costumes (which is a normal thing for me) and children in costumes (which isn’t that normal of a thing for me). I have been known to change the lyrics of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” to include “there are ghosties and goblins and zombies and vampires this time of YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”
But unfortunately, I will not be doing much of anything this year. I moved over the summer, and despite my best efforts, we’ve been unable to get the house situated. Money has been tight because there were some unexpected expenses during the move. Let me tell you how fun it was to find out that my extra firm queen mattress — the same mattress my boyfriend and I argued over for weeks — was now extra floopy and had to be replaced (along with my rickety bed frame). I know, #firstworldproblems. Then I managed to hurt my back and have spent more time than my pride will allow me to admit to hobbling around like I’m 63 instead of my spry and totally youthful 33. And then the damn hurricane hit earlier this week. Luckily, those of us in Philly were just inconvenienced for a few days — to my knowledge, the extent of our troubles were power outages, property damage, and public transit lines being suspended — but it was still a pain in the ass.
Friends, family, acquaintances, internet jackasses–
I’d like to pick two bones.
#1: Quit whining about how this storm wasn’t that bad. REALLY? IT WASN’T? Just because you got lucky, it doesn’t mean that this storm was just a little drizzle. There’s also something a little depraved about complaining that Dovetail Mockingbird Annoying Ass White People Lane doesn’t look like the Ninth Ward. Dude, be happy you were out of harm’s way.
#2: Quit whining about Chris Christie “canceling Halloween.” First off, Governor Christie is clearly a man who enjoys candy. There is no way he is shitcanning the holiday. Second off, look, I’m an anarchist and all, but I do think that — if you believe in the legitimacy of the state — real and legitimate safety risks constitute a real and legitimate reason for the governor to postpone Halloween celebrations. Now I hate you all because I had to not only get political in a specifically non-political post but I also had to defend Chris “I only got 2 hours of sleep and I swear to God if you ask me another stupid question, I will call you a fucking douchebag” Christie. HATE YOU.
Ahem. Sorry about that. I also spent the entire hurricane curled into a ball either on my bed or the couch while running a fever. Needless to say, the my Halloween celebrations will be incredibly exciting. The highlight of the night includes freezing some beans I cooked today and possibly watching some scary movies with my boyfriend.
Since I’m lame and have apparently forgotten how to have fun, let me live vicariously through you! Tell me all about your Halloween plans (or your Halloween almost plans).