I would like to say first of all this will be the last of this line of Joe the Plunger manifesto crap. When I first start doing this I wanted to be funny and informative at the same time, and ended up not been neither because I have the memory spam of a fish with Tourette’s, and tend to go all over the shop, talking a lot of shit and not saying fuck all, so I am putting an end to it. I was planning in keeping it going up until the elections were over and see which one of the 2 cocksuckers is going to ruin things up for everyone a bit more for another 4 years, before working on a new model of doing things but I just had it, so this will be the last on this format, then I will change the way to operate, no I me and my plunger wont go away, next week I have something especial in line as a last instalment and then from the week after I can move forward on a new direction for this column.
The new style will be a weekly summary of all the events I will be finding important to tear apart and ridicule, short snap shorts of all my pet hates and peeves, using my plunger as a magnifying glass to analize various situations, and as and as a megaphone to put my point across, and will leave the elaborate essays to whom can do them justice, I obviously can’t. That way I will be more in my element of doing topical satire. I try didn’t work, fuck it start over, at least I had a go, and no regrets here, was fun but time to do something better if not that at least different, so please bare with me if you can, otherwise go away, close shop and go crack one-off.
Joe the Plunger
THE JOE THE PLUNGER MANIFESTO
Oh dear religion… As a born again atheist, who was raised catholic, living in a bible obsessed country, I am going to have a field day with topic, so fasten your seat belts and let’s go for a theological ridicule ride.
In case someone forgot to tell you, THERE IS NO GOD… So get over it. Now if you want to insist in wasting your life in some sad fuckers fairy tale because your life really, sucks, go right ahead be my guest. There are 2 things I am certain in this life; One, we all gonna die some day. Two, there is no god. I think there are some religious people in this world waking up in the morning wanting to be offended, so to those people let me say this… Fuck you and fuck god!
Whatever his image, it was man-made in order to control you, so some people pretend to believe in order to make you believe. Sex is bad, drugs are bad but god is good!!!, Fuck that, that’s a shit deal, you keep god, I take the drugs and getting laid. I can just feel the force pushing me to hell… Good I am ready.
God, Allah, Dark Vader, Rubber Duck, Zeus, Vanessa the Wal-Mart cashier, Ibrahim, Buddha, Jehovah, John Holmes and His Holiness the shitty guru Horny Krishna, all gods, and everyone thinks theirs is the one, and everyone else is fake.
How can you explain god, to all the children starving in the world? God was taking a shit when he made you… How about all the Holocaust victims? He was high on meth at a gay party… How about, The crusades, holy wars, Rape victims, all the animals put on this earth in order to suffer??? What can you say to all of them???? I can only think of one thing: If god exists I hope his dick is long enough so he can go fuck himself…
But we all know there is no heaven or hell after death, it’s all here, all man-made, and he loves money, and doesn’t pay taxes, digs incest, but doesn’t want you to get laid, promises you 72 virgins after death, too bad I can’t join as I like loose pussy, and karma, and if you are a good boy and don’t lie you’ll get a crap biscuit on sunday after mass, to take away the taste of the priest’s dick, then there’s the U.F.O.’s religion, all you have to do is watch one of Tom Cruise’s movies and you blessed, then you turn your ass to Mecca, and crack open the red sea, and Charles Heston shows you the 10 commando’s or whatever that shit it’s called, and after that Jehovah lets you masturbate with a magazine while you listen to Prince, the Tao reads your I ching, and the Dalai Lama, teaches you how to play chess, and before you know it you shave your head, dress in orange and join the Hare Krishnas.
I gather at this point you are feeling all the positive energy that is flowing over me, I know what you thinking, yes I am a blessed man, said 3 hail Mary’s this morning with the 5 sisters of mercy around my penis and no Viagra… Thank you lord for small mercy’s.
But I would consider believing in god, if he paid me a visit, and said to me; ‘Here Joe, I know I was a bastard to you and gave you a shit life, so I am going to make up for it and do right by you, here’s a list and I will let you choose how you want to die!’, ‘Fuck you god, you really are a bastard, is that the best you can do for me?’ ‘Listen here Joe you fuck face, it’s take it or leave it…’ So I start looking at the list: #1 Train disaster (fuck that). #2 Eaten alive by a crocodile (damn you god, you sadistic bastard). #3 House on fire (dude you need help). #4 Food poisoning after rimming Michele Bachmann (man that’s going too fucking far). #5 You are to die in the company of 2 fat 80-year-old nimphomaniacs with saggy tits, 10 grams of Colombian finest, a bottle of moonshine, Vicodin, Newport menthol and some killer weed. One is spread open like a bald eagle and you are eating her out like a deleted scene from the movie ‘La grande bouffe’, and the other one is doing you from behind with a 30 inch pink strap on while rubbing coarse sand paper on your nuts… “Hey G dude, I think I found the one I want…’ “What?’ ‘No, fuck the rest of the list, this one is good, I am happy with this one, right up my street.’ ‘Are you busy tomorrow?’ ‘Yeah tomorrow 6 O’clock sounds good to me too…’ But there is no god, therefore this will never happen, and here we are, I have no idea how to close this now as i wrote so much nonsense crap here, but hey, what can I tell ya, praise the lord, Amen, balls to it, until we meet again next week… Go fuck yourselves.
Joe the Plunger