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SHITTY YOGA! Preparation & the basics

Luis Pessoa Featured, Satire Leave a Comment

Om shitty motherfuckers!

First I would like to start this entry with an announcement. Under the circumstances, my followers are a bunch of useless shitheads when comes to collect funds in order to build a temple and do some self charitable work (and take my drug dealer of my back). So I am forced to use my sage qualities in order to raise money.

As from this sunday I am starting a new website: where I will dedicate myself to astrology. I will be doing weekly horoscopes to begin with , and then take it from there. So if it’s not too much to ask, can you shitheads at least pass the word around and let everyone know, and I may consider in giving some of you a prediction at a discount rate, if I happen to be in a good karmic mood, if not tough shit, you are out of luck. With that out-of-the-way, let’s get started and get over with, so I can then go and get stoned and listen to the “Subhumans”.






The basics & background

Yoga can be practised by anyone, regardless of age, race,  sex, sexual orientation, physical ability, level of natural stupidity,  political affiliation or emigrant status. But I created the Shitty Yoga style with the stoner, loner, alkie, junkie, bum, trump, schitzo, mong in mind. So you could say is a special needs type of yoga, but it can be practised by everyone else all the same.

In terms of what to wear, any old rag will do, as long as its loose, the looser the better, specially if you haven’t taken a shower in over a fortnight, let all the dirt come out of your pores. Just make sure if you happen to stink really bad to practise alone. And don’t forget, these lessons are designed for you to be your own instructor, so if you happen to injure yourself, you don’t know who I am, and you haven’t even heard of me, or I’ll get some heavies to beat the living crap out of you. As for place of Practise, any place will do. If you can crash and sleep, you can do Shitty Yoga.

All the Asanas in Shitty yoga, are designed to give you an illusion that they are actually beneficial to you while doing jack shit. In other words you wont see any improvement mentally, physically or spiritually, but you will feel just a chilled all the same, and you outlook in life will be more of; ‘Fuck it, why bother’!

One final note: One thing is for sure, after a good session of Shitty Yoga, food will taste better, drugs will kick a much better buzz, you will get drunk on less, sex, will last 30 seconds more than your average 2 minutes. The bad news is, you self-esteem will remain low, your confidence non-existent, and  your IQ of one digit still. But you will learn to live with it, and not waste precious energy worrying about it too much.


The ‘get lost, leave me the fuck alone, I’m taking a nap with the belly up’ pose

This asana is a variation or the previous ‘belly down’, so it also requires very little preparation, perfect for the total useless loser in life (I am really going easy on you as I don’t want you to get discouraged and tempted to commit suicide). The people who has been on a 3 day binge of crack cocaine will get the most benefit out of this pose.

  • Place your yoga mat in the first corner you can think you can chill without being interrupted.
  • Lay on top of it, with your belly up, make sure you have all your valuables well hidden as you are going to be gone to la la land for the best part of 5 hours, last thing you want to happen is waking up and find out your stash and money is gone.
  • Take a well deserved nap, and soak up the experience that Shitty Yoga brings you.
  • Wake up, take 5 xanax washed down with a fifth of vodka straight.
  • Go to bed crack one-off, and sleep till morning.

Well dear all, that is all for this week, I hope you will enjoy it as much as I am enjoying bullshiting you all. Have a blessed week.

Yours Truly

Horny Krishna

Luis PessoaSHITTY YOGA! Preparation & the basics

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